Stories from the dating underworld...

If you were looking for an aloof, Carrie Bradshaw style insight into the trials and tribulations of City Life, the writings that follow may not particularly float your boat. However, the 'warts and all (quite literally in one case...though more of that later)' approach to dating that I will document instead - drawing on experiences from friends, family and, of course, my own disastrous dating repertoire - will no doubt provide a little light entertainment...and, if nothing else, will ultimately function as a warning as to what not to do when it comes to attracting a mate!

Case Study One - Stephen, don't call me Steve...

The guy who tutted and frowned at any attempt to abbreviate his name. This is also the fellow who fell off his bike whilst swatting the bug on his chest that turned out to be his own nipple!

Case Study Two - The aspiring actor....

Who sang at the top of his voice in a busy chain restaurant, that Lion King classic; 'Can you Feel the Love Tonight'...I kid you not! 

Case Study Three - (because women are just as weird)...The Poet...

This was the story of an online dating disaster whereby the female of the equation asked for my friend's vital statistics so that she could write a poem about him...specifically dedicated to the colour of his eyes. RUN!

Case Study Four - The Music Snob...

After telling me that I looked like a Britney Spears fan, this over-zealous musician ended the date with a gift; a CD of his band's tinkly folk music pap and the assertion that I needed to educate myself musically...the cheek of it! 

Case Study Five - Knowing EXACTLY what you want, (The American)
A friend of mine received a message from a (rather hot) American on a dating website - despite looking the part, his intense online profile put her off somewhat; in particular, his criteria for a suitable partner as per the extract that follows:

You should only message me if...

- You are a smart, fit, open minded , beautiful girl who doesn't have alot of baggage from previous relationships.
- You love to travel, seeing the world and having some excitement and unpredictablility in your life.

- You enjoy positivity, love for intellectual discussions & an having an
Interest in Psychology, acting, fitness, nutrition, and/or modeling is a plus.

- You have a sense of humor, enjoy sarcasm and laugh at my jokes..

- Do you have big beautiful light eyes (blue/green), a Dynamite white smile and always smell GREAT :-) ?
If so, you just scored major points with me...

- You like to get a massage or stretched from a strong man who undestands anatomy when your muscles are tight...

- You have a passion for something in your life.

- You like to eat out and try new restaurants.
- You like to eat meat (I'm not into the whole vegan thing..LoL).

- You like to cook and and enjoy dressing up girly.
(high heels, dresses, ect.) but still sport a pony tail from time to time..

- You like to try new things, can be spontaneous and like a challenge.

- You like Chivalry...Chivalry isn't dead and I'm the kind of guy who will open your door, pick you up, offer you my arm walking down the street and plan out a date instead of just winging it.

- You are generally outgoing/adventurous but not a party girl.

Is that you?
Message me already... LoL

Not quite sure how to respond? Neither did she, so she didn't..simple really!

Case Study Six - The Biter 

This was the carnivorous chap who thought that taking a chunk out of my friend's shoulder would appropriately 'get her in the mood' – it didn't and she had teeth marks and a sizeable bruise for days afterwards...not cool....

Case Study Seven - Malcolm the Mummy's Boy

Half way through dinner on our very first date, 'Malc' answers his mobile to his Mother and with a slight smile, utters those unfathomable words...'oh yes, she's here actually, would you like to speak to her?' Never was there a better moment to take an unmanageable mouthful of pudding...

Following the admission above, I received a story from a friend whose date referred to his mum as his girlfriend...enough said really!

Case Study Eight - The Inappropriate Shopper

A shopping date can be a risky strategy, especially when the guy absent-mindedly gives you all his bags to hold on the way around the mall - who said chivalry was dead?! The final straw was the bald patch that became visible on the top of the guys head when he leant over to try on a pair of crocs – apparently for this friend of mine, it's all or nothing when it comes to hair...can't argue with that!

Case Study Nine – Mutha' Puffa!

One of my besties ended a date after enduring a mere thirty minutes on the basis that the guy sported a grotesque kalki-coloured puffa jacket, complete with fleecy mustard lining. Clearly, that Calvin Harris track is not accurate in that we do NOT necessarily have love for you if you were born in the eighties....and even less so if you stay stuck in them... 

Case Study Ten – Homme-line

Online dating is a funny thing and the information that one chooses to divulge on their profile, not to mention the content of one's opening message, really seals the deal when it comes to those all-important first impressions. A selection of the most questionable conversation-killers are as follows:

'I am the One. I have been sent to you from heaven as you have erred far from the right path. Don't panic though.'

'Fancy a shopping slave?' - Tempting...

'If you decide not to contact me, I shall have no option but to find a bridge, jump off and land on a nun or a kitten. Just to spite you. Message me, save the kittens! xx'

'A courtly bow, Daddy Jemble xxx' – This is also the chap who had uploaded a photograph to his profile in which he was naked, covered in green body paint and yet slightly upstaged by a disgruntled-looking pheasant – disturbing does not even come close...

'Hi ows u u r best looking on ere' - erm, thanks...I think!

'We are here for the same reason to meet someone nice and I reckon we both don't want to be here for long. So I suggest let's get in touch. What do you think?'

'Pretty woman with the enigmatic smile, “It's beauty that captures your attention; personality which captures your heart”. Oscar Wilde. Are you blessed with both? If so, I would like to meet you. Can you tell me who said: "Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realise why it never worked out with anyone else". Kindest regards, Dr Tom' – Intense!

Case Study Eleven – Freaky Eaters

As a self-proclaimed ‘foodie’, it takes a brave guy to take me for dinner on a first date and as such, if you suggest KFC (even in jest), admit to eating ‘only yellow or brown foods’ or have an OCD-related necessity to consume each item on one’s plate in just three bites, (yes…really), you simply need not apply!

Case Study Twelve - Guide Dogs for the Blind?

As an unfortunate introduction to the chaotic world of online dating, a friend of mine met a chap who, despite stating that he was a fair few inches taller than her, turned out to be a whole foot shorter – strike one! More worrying though was his constant need to take a firm hold of her arm and lead her across each road that they encountered as if she were say, visually impaired or elderly! She politely suggested that he needn't worry and that she had been successfully crossing roads for a number of years and yet, this did not deter him. In fact, it made him all the more persistent – managing still to weasel his fingers beneath the arm that she had to keep clamped to her side – bad news for him as, with this friend, two strikes and you're well and truly out! 
 

NB. I know it's difficult to believe but these really are true stories and the daters above are actually out there..! Names (where given) have been changed but the experiences have not been...scary huh?!